Plastic fantastic
Tuesday 31st March –7pm
I've had another brainwave. This covid thing. It likes lungs. So let's give it lungs. Plastic ones.
The whole nation's manufacturing workforce should be bent to making false plastic lungs by the million. Gazillion even. The virus, searching around for somewhere to do its thing, will dive into the plastic lung and sets about its business. (What is its business, by the way?) Anyway, leaving that aside...
If we have as many plastic lungs as there are human ones, the virus will either infect, or seek to infect, the false lungs, exhausting themselves in the process. They're not going to up sticks are they? They won't be saying to themselves after ten minutes in a false lung: "Hang on a mo, there's nothing doing here, let's get out of here and find somewhere better." There is nothing in the literature to suggest that this is the way Covid-19 thinks.
Of course, some would say it can't think at all. In which case we're even more onto a good thing. If it can't think it will just go for the false lungs as much as the real ones. We will automatically have half the infections of before. Next put all the false lungs into cardboard boxes (substitute houses) and isolate them. This will totally baffle the covid virus. Before you know it they will be seeking counselling or urgent psychotherapy. Unfortunately because of cut-backs, they will not be able to receive any treatment at all. Also they won't have an NHS number, without which treatment cannot be granted.
Let that be a lesson to them. They'll have to go private.
I've had another brainwave. This covid thing. It likes lungs. So let's give it lungs. Plastic ones.
The whole nation's manufacturing workforce should be bent to making false plastic lungs by the million. Gazillion even. The virus, searching around for somewhere to do its thing, will dive into the plastic lung and sets about its business. (What is its business, by the way?) Anyway, leaving that aside...
If we have as many plastic lungs as there are human ones, the virus will either infect, or seek to infect, the false lungs, exhausting themselves in the process. They're not going to up sticks are they? They won't be saying to themselves after ten minutes in a false lung: "Hang on a mo, there's nothing doing here, let's get out of here and find somewhere better." There is nothing in the literature to suggest that this is the way Covid-19 thinks.
Of course, some would say it can't think at all. In which case we're even more onto a good thing. If it can't think it will just go for the false lungs as much as the real ones. We will automatically have half the infections of before. Next put all the false lungs into cardboard boxes (substitute houses) and isolate them. This will totally baffle the covid virus. Before you know it they will be seeking counselling or urgent psychotherapy. Unfortunately because of cut-backs, they will not be able to receive any treatment at all. Also they won't have an NHS number, without which treatment cannot be granted.
Let that be a lesson to them. They'll have to go private.
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