A word from our Covid Minister
Wednesday 1st April – 11am
Thank you, Minister, for joining us on our radio programme and agreeing to answer questions from our listeners, especially when you are self-isolating. We are agog.
Firstly then, a question from Mrs Edith Exasperated of Tunbridge Wells.
"Thank you. Minister my question is very simple. Everyone agrees that the country doing best in the present crisis is South Korea. It borders China, where the outbreak began, and yet it is clearly mastering the virus's spread. The result is remarkably few deaths. Other countries using different methods like us have deaths already in the thousands. Why aren't we doing what the Korean are doing?"
"Thank you, Mrs Exasperated, for your interesting and important question. It's so good to hear such concern which gives us something we can all stand behind. Our heart and minds go out to those sorely afflicted in all part of the world. Of course, it's not so much that South Korea is doing well as that the figures they are putting out have not been checked by the World Health Organisation. The truth is that we don't know how well they are doing. Or anyone for that matter. We won't know until it's all over and all the data has been collated and examined and a long report written by faceless mandarins, and that will certainly be long after my political career has naturally wound down to its conclusion or apotheosis as I prefer to call it. But thank you for your fascinating and perspicacious question."
Next, it's Mr Eric Annoyed of Weston-Super-Mare. Good afternoon, Mr Annoyed, please put your question to the Minister.
'Right. Here we go then. Why oh why are you lot saying that you are following the science when science itself has clearly and repeatedly said that we don't know anything about the virus yet, or how to best treat it? Isn't this just an attempt to suggest to people that what you are doing is right, when you have no idea whether it is or not?
"Thanks Mr Annoyed. Great name by the way. And another great question. There's no getting anything past you, Mr Annoyed, or the people of this great country of ours. You are very direct. And quite rightly so. We rely on the perspicacity of our citizenry to get to the truth. And the truth is that science is struggling towards the truth as best it can in these extraordinary and unprecedented times. In laboratories across the land, and across the civilized world, tests are being done, experiments conceived that are dazzling the world of science with their audacity and speed of execution. But what we have done in this country, Mr Annoyed, is followed calmly and carefully and without panic the best knowledge available on treatment. Of course we can't follow knowledge that hasn't been accumulated yet, as I explained to the previous caller, but our approach is clearly the right one. Thank you though for a very important question."
Finallly, Minister, a question from Mrs Fedup of Hazlemere. Go ahead Mrs Fedup...
'Thank you. Mr Minister, I want to know how Mrs Minister is feeling these days. Does she get morning sickness, and have you been sleeping with her despite your Covid-19 positive test?'
'Well, Mrs Fedup, what wonderful names we are having this morning! I obviously can't go into private details, but I can tell you that Carrie is fine, doing well and only said this morning, as she pushed me out of bed, that she had only dry-retched three times in the night. So that's obviously a great improvement. She was anxious that I should carry on regardless as is our British way. A way of which, may I say, we should be extremely proud. We don't panic, we don't believe everything we hear, we bring powerful people to account and ask them vitally important questions, and I must say this splendid programme has done exactly what I think it should in terms of our grand traditions of fairness, honesty and er, whatsit. Bullshit. Thank you all for your contribution in keeping Britain as it always has been, united and Great. Great! Thanks. Goodbye. Keep your pecker up, this great country will defeat the old Covid enemy by standing together, standing tall, and standing when it can. Good luck, everyone. We'll do this together!
'Can I go now?'
Thank you, Minister, for joining us on our radio programme and agreeing to answer questions from our listeners, especially when you are self-isolating. We are agog.
Firstly then, a question from Mrs Edith Exasperated of Tunbridge Wells.
"Thank you. Minister my question is very simple. Everyone agrees that the country doing best in the present crisis is South Korea. It borders China, where the outbreak began, and yet it is clearly mastering the virus's spread. The result is remarkably few deaths. Other countries using different methods like us have deaths already in the thousands. Why aren't we doing what the Korean are doing?"
"Thank you, Mrs Exasperated, for your interesting and important question. It's so good to hear such concern which gives us something we can all stand behind. Our heart and minds go out to those sorely afflicted in all part of the world. Of course, it's not so much that South Korea is doing well as that the figures they are putting out have not been checked by the World Health Organisation. The truth is that we don't know how well they are doing. Or anyone for that matter. We won't know until it's all over and all the data has been collated and examined and a long report written by faceless mandarins, and that will certainly be long after my political career has naturally wound down to its conclusion or apotheosis as I prefer to call it. But thank you for your fascinating and perspicacious question."
Next, it's Mr Eric Annoyed of Weston-Super-Mare. Good afternoon, Mr Annoyed, please put your question to the Minister.
'Right. Here we go then. Why oh why are you lot saying that you are following the science when science itself has clearly and repeatedly said that we don't know anything about the virus yet, or how to best treat it? Isn't this just an attempt to suggest to people that what you are doing is right, when you have no idea whether it is or not?
"Thanks Mr Annoyed. Great name by the way. And another great question. There's no getting anything past you, Mr Annoyed, or the people of this great country of ours. You are very direct. And quite rightly so. We rely on the perspicacity of our citizenry to get to the truth. And the truth is that science is struggling towards the truth as best it can in these extraordinary and unprecedented times. In laboratories across the land, and across the civilized world, tests are being done, experiments conceived that are dazzling the world of science with their audacity and speed of execution. But what we have done in this country, Mr Annoyed, is followed calmly and carefully and without panic the best knowledge available on treatment. Of course we can't follow knowledge that hasn't been accumulated yet, as I explained to the previous caller, but our approach is clearly the right one. Thank you though for a very important question."
Finallly, Minister, a question from Mrs Fedup of Hazlemere. Go ahead Mrs Fedup...
'Thank you. Mr Minister, I want to know how Mrs Minister is feeling these days. Does she get morning sickness, and have you been sleeping with her despite your Covid-19 positive test?'
'Well, Mrs Fedup, what wonderful names we are having this morning! I obviously can't go into private details, but I can tell you that Carrie is fine, doing well and only said this morning, as she pushed me out of bed, that she had only dry-retched three times in the night. So that's obviously a great improvement. She was anxious that I should carry on regardless as is our British way. A way of which, may I say, we should be extremely proud. We don't panic, we don't believe everything we hear, we bring powerful people to account and ask them vitally important questions, and I must say this splendid programme has done exactly what I think it should in terms of our grand traditions of fairness, honesty and er, whatsit. Bullshit. Thank you all for your contribution in keeping Britain as it always has been, united and Great. Great! Thanks. Goodbye. Keep your pecker up, this great country will defeat the old Covid enemy by standing together, standing tall, and standing when it can. Good luck, everyone. We'll do this together!
'Can I go now?'
Very much enjoyed reading your latest blog. As always, balanced, calm, with a large pinch of humour and the best of British
ReplyDelete