Testing....testing...slither....slither
Wednesday 22nd April – 2:30pm
The government has said that it will have 100,000 coronavirus tests a day being done by the end of April. Impressive? Well, it depends on what you understand by the statement. Maybe you didn't understand it properly.
Does it mean that:
A) 100,000 tests per day would be done each day after the end of April, or that the capacity to do 100,000 tests a day would be there from the end of April but won't necessarily actually be performed because of staffing issues which we could not possibly have predicted in this unprecedented situation despite the fact that we were warned? Slither, slither.
B) Does it mean that the results of those tests would be available immediately so that the tests are valuable to us all? Or would the results take a lot longer because of very limited lab capacity to process the tests? So although 100,000 tests would be done every day, the results will be backed up for weeks so that the usefulness of having 100,000 testing kits by the end of April is totally negated? But what the hell, we did what we said, right? And we gave the appearance of being useful. Slither, slither.
C) And anyway, what tests? What tests will be done by the end of April? 100,000 diagnostic tests answering the question: have I got coronavirus? Or 100,000 antibodies tests answering the question: have I had coronavirus? Both? Both are desperately needed, right? But perhaps we won't say in order not to obfuscate with unnecessary detail the impression that we are being decisive. Slither, slither.
D) And again, is the government actually saying that 100,000 tests will be done each day? Or merely that the capacity to do 100,000 tests will putatively be there by the end of April? Or are we not making that clear because, let's be honest, clarity in most situations is not helpful to us? Slither. Slither.
E) Does it mean that the government has silently organised and trained the people to conduct 100,000 tests a day? Or are we not mentioning that because it might obscure the great good that we obviously are doing? Slither, slither.
F) Let's be clear. Has the government said that we will have both the people and the equipment and the labs to process 100,000 tests a day and produce a timely and reliable result in less than 24 hours? Slither, slither.
G) Where are these test coming from? Just plucked from the air? In mid-March the UK paid two Chinese companies for tests which have proved to be unreliable. They have been scrapped. Cost to you and I? £16m. I repeat, where are these tests coming from? Oh, and while we're on this, how much? Not just how many? Slither, slither.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••
These questions (or the fact that we don't know the answers) represent the interstices through which politicians slither. If the target is not met, these are the holes they will squeeze their repulsive pupaic bodies through – the possible excuses they will use and many more besides. One thing you can be sure of, it will not be their fault. And no-one will resign. The government's last pledge on this self-same issue was to have 10,000 tests by the end of March. It failed to reach that target in time. No-one resigned.
And, anyway. It's all a smoke-screen. The question is not to do with how many tests. It's to do with why we had no testing in place twelve weeks ago, and no capacity to test twelve weeks ago. Forget about 100,000 tests by end of April. Forget about preparing feathers for our caps, and preening ourselves when we meet our self-imposed target. Forget it.
Why, for God's sake, and for your sake, and mine, is it happening so late? That's the question.
The government has said that it will have 100,000 coronavirus tests a day being done by the end of April. Impressive? Well, it depends on what you understand by the statement. Maybe you didn't understand it properly.
Does it mean that:
A) 100,000 tests per day would be done each day after the end of April, or that the capacity to do 100,000 tests a day would be there from the end of April but won't necessarily actually be performed because of staffing issues which we could not possibly have predicted in this unprecedented situation despite the fact that we were warned? Slither, slither.
B) Does it mean that the results of those tests would be available immediately so that the tests are valuable to us all? Or would the results take a lot longer because of very limited lab capacity to process the tests? So although 100,000 tests would be done every day, the results will be backed up for weeks so that the usefulness of having 100,000 testing kits by the end of April is totally negated? But what the hell, we did what we said, right? And we gave the appearance of being useful. Slither, slither.
C) And anyway, what tests? What tests will be done by the end of April? 100,000 diagnostic tests answering the question: have I got coronavirus? Or 100,000 antibodies tests answering the question: have I had coronavirus? Both? Both are desperately needed, right? But perhaps we won't say in order not to obfuscate with unnecessary detail the impression that we are being decisive. Slither, slither.
D) And again, is the government actually saying that 100,000 tests will be done each day? Or merely that the capacity to do 100,000 tests will putatively be there by the end of April? Or are we not making that clear because, let's be honest, clarity in most situations is not helpful to us? Slither. Slither.
E) Does it mean that the government has silently organised and trained the people to conduct 100,000 tests a day? Or are we not mentioning that because it might obscure the great good that we obviously are doing? Slither, slither.
F) Let's be clear. Has the government said that we will have both the people and the equipment and the labs to process 100,000 tests a day and produce a timely and reliable result in less than 24 hours? Slither, slither.
G) Where are these test coming from? Just plucked from the air? In mid-March the UK paid two Chinese companies for tests which have proved to be unreliable. They have been scrapped. Cost to you and I? £16m. I repeat, where are these tests coming from? Oh, and while we're on this, how much? Not just how many? Slither, slither.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••
These questions (or the fact that we don't know the answers) represent the interstices through which politicians slither. If the target is not met, these are the holes they will squeeze their repulsive pupaic bodies through – the possible excuses they will use and many more besides. One thing you can be sure of, it will not be their fault. And no-one will resign. The government's last pledge on this self-same issue was to have 10,000 tests by the end of March. It failed to reach that target in time. No-one resigned.
And, anyway. It's all a smoke-screen. The question is not to do with how many tests. It's to do with why we had no testing in place twelve weeks ago, and no capacity to test twelve weeks ago. Forget about 100,000 tests by end of April. Forget about preparing feathers for our caps, and preening ourselves when we meet our self-imposed target. Forget it.
Why, for God's sake, and for your sake, and mine, is it happening so late? That's the question.
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