A Word from our Covid Minister – 3
Monday 18 May 2020 – 10:00am
We are delighted and I must say surprised to say that once again the Minister for Covid affairs has joined us here in the studio. He was here only yesterday but we got cut off by a shortage of time. Very kindly, and without much encouragement, the Minister responded immediately to our researcher Valerie's (36,24,36) polite enquiries and the Minister has made himself available at short notice to answer some more of our listener's questions. Our Monday breakfast romance: Toast on Toast will be held over until tomorrow. Thank you, Minister.
Minister: You're welcome.
Our first question comes from Mrs Edna Upset of Compton Farm, Compton Barnett, Dorset . It's your question, Mrs Upset...
Mrs Edna Upset: Thank you. I was very disappointed to hear that the Monday breakfast romance: Toast on Toast would be postponed due to the Covid Minister intervening in programming and succummbing to the blandishments of a well-upholstered researcher. Can we be sure this sort of things will not happen again?
Minister: May I answer this one? Actually programming decisions are the responsibility of the radio station and are not made by anyone who can actually be held responsible, least of all me. May I just say, that the esteemed researcher, Valerie, whom you mention, and who has been laising closely with my department, has been nothing but extremely helpful in all sorts of ways and when she popped round last night to persuade me to come again I was only too happy to help and agreed to come immediately. There was also a gap in my diary due to not having to listen to a rather interesting radio programme which is on every Monday morning called Toast on Toast, that has been postponed. I hope this helps.
Next, let's hear from Andrew Grimsdale Shithole, an NHS worker from Plaistow. Sorry! That's Andrew Grimsdale who works in an NHS shithole in Plaistow. Over to you, Mr Grismdale.
Mr Grimsdale: Thank you. We all know that the NHS has been underfunded for decades. Currently I work in a shithole that has had no funds to repair even the basics – water is coming through on to the wards, rats have taken over one of the operating rooms and are conducting unauthorised and, may I say, unanaesthetised operations; the central heating is blasting out at full wallop and my dodgy knee's playing up. When, oh when, can we be assured of proper funding for the NHS? Surely now, after all this Covid bollocks, it will be properly financed. No more cuts, Mr Minister. And have a nice evening. Give her one for me and the lads in the Plaistow Infirmary porter's lodge.
Minister: Jolly nice of you Mr Shithole. Things need to change, there's no doubt about that and a proper investment needs to be made afresh in the NHS. God forbid that we should just be happy that everyone went out on to the road and clapped like the Dickens to praise NHS workers, and then do nothing about the sad and sorry lack of investment that we inherited from the previous govenment...
It was a Conservative govenment, Mr Minister.
Minister: ...yes I know, but there hadn't been enough investment. We're going to change that. I have today, now that I have just thought of it, announced an enquiry that will look into this shocking state of affairs. This will take ten years, and be totally comprehensive. By then, the lack of investment will have totally wrecked the NHS anyway and it can be quietly abandoned as a well-intentioned project that never really produced for this country. At that time I will be on the red benches in the Other Place as Lord Minister of Covid and it won't look bad for me at all. I am, against all the odds, doing a splendid job of denying any responsiblity for our corporate failure to be sufficiently prepared despite the warnings from all and sundry. And I will continue to do that for the forseeable future, or longer if necessary.
I am afraid we have once again run out of time on this fascinating and important topic. Thank you Mr Minister for popping in when you have such a busy schedule and please give our regards to Valerie whom we tend not to see so much of just lately.
Minister: I'll let her know. May I use this bog?
That's the electronics booth, Minister.
Minister: Oh bollocks.
We are delighted and I must say surprised to say that once again the Minister for Covid affairs has joined us here in the studio. He was here only yesterday but we got cut off by a shortage of time. Very kindly, and without much encouragement, the Minister responded immediately to our researcher Valerie's (36,24,36) polite enquiries and the Minister has made himself available at short notice to answer some more of our listener's questions. Our Monday breakfast romance: Toast on Toast will be held over until tomorrow. Thank you, Minister.
Minister: You're welcome.
Our first question comes from Mrs Edna Upset of Compton Farm, Compton Barnett, Dorset . It's your question, Mrs Upset...
Mrs Edna Upset: Thank you. I was very disappointed to hear that the Monday breakfast romance: Toast on Toast would be postponed due to the Covid Minister intervening in programming and succummbing to the blandishments of a well-upholstered researcher. Can we be sure this sort of things will not happen again?
Minister: May I answer this one? Actually programming decisions are the responsibility of the radio station and are not made by anyone who can actually be held responsible, least of all me. May I just say, that the esteemed researcher, Valerie, whom you mention, and who has been laising closely with my department, has been nothing but extremely helpful in all sorts of ways and when she popped round last night to persuade me to come again I was only too happy to help and agreed to come immediately. There was also a gap in my diary due to not having to listen to a rather interesting radio programme which is on every Monday morning called Toast on Toast, that has been postponed. I hope this helps.
Next, let's hear from Andrew Grimsdale Shithole, an NHS worker from Plaistow. Sorry! That's Andrew Grimsdale who works in an NHS shithole in Plaistow. Over to you, Mr Grismdale.
Mr Grimsdale: Thank you. We all know that the NHS has been underfunded for decades. Currently I work in a shithole that has had no funds to repair even the basics – water is coming through on to the wards, rats have taken over one of the operating rooms and are conducting unauthorised and, may I say, unanaesthetised operations; the central heating is blasting out at full wallop and my dodgy knee's playing up. When, oh when, can we be assured of proper funding for the NHS? Surely now, after all this Covid bollocks, it will be properly financed. No more cuts, Mr Minister. And have a nice evening. Give her one for me and the lads in the Plaistow Infirmary porter's lodge.
Minister: Jolly nice of you Mr Shithole. Things need to change, there's no doubt about that and a proper investment needs to be made afresh in the NHS. God forbid that we should just be happy that everyone went out on to the road and clapped like the Dickens to praise NHS workers, and then do nothing about the sad and sorry lack of investment that we inherited from the previous govenment...
It was a Conservative govenment, Mr Minister.
Minister: ...yes I know, but there hadn't been enough investment. We're going to change that. I have today, now that I have just thought of it, announced an enquiry that will look into this shocking state of affairs. This will take ten years, and be totally comprehensive. By then, the lack of investment will have totally wrecked the NHS anyway and it can be quietly abandoned as a well-intentioned project that never really produced for this country. At that time I will be on the red benches in the Other Place as Lord Minister of Covid and it won't look bad for me at all. I am, against all the odds, doing a splendid job of denying any responsiblity for our corporate failure to be sufficiently prepared despite the warnings from all and sundry. And I will continue to do that for the forseeable future, or longer if necessary.
I am afraid we have once again run out of time on this fascinating and important topic. Thank you Mr Minister for popping in when you have such a busy schedule and please give our regards to Valerie whom we tend not to see so much of just lately.
Minister: I'll let her know. May I use this bog?
That's the electronics booth, Minister.
Minister: Oh bollocks.
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