A Word from The President

Tuesday 19th May 2020 – 10:00am

It is with delight that I can inform listeners that today we are being joined by President Trump of the United States of America, who has agreed to answer some questions from our listeners. This is the first time The President has ever agreed to do a phone-in with a UK radio station, so we at COVID radio are exceptionally proud of this. Welcome, Mr President.

President: Do I speak now? The red light is on. You said I shouldn't speak when it's on. [sounds in background as conversation takes place with US engineers who repeat the instructions they gave the president only seconds before while he places his hand over the microphone in an attempt to muffle everything.] Okay, we're back on here. Just a slight technical hitch, which I've put right. Happy to be with you Brits today.

Thank you. Mr President. Shall we go straight into our first question as our time is limited?

President: Shoot.

Listener: Hello, Mr President. My name is Jonas B Weldfucker.

President: [Putting hand on microphone and talking to his entourage. Muffled, but clearly audible.] Can you believe this guy's name. Did you get it? Unbelievable. These Limeys.

President: [Unmuffled] Hello, Mr er...Weldfucker, give me your question.

Weldfucker: Hello, Mr President. The newspapers here are reporting that you are taking some unauthorised medicine, and gargling with bleach is that true, or is it another example of fake news?

President: Good question, Weldfucker. It's the sort of question I would expect when the fake media take over the news reporting. I am happy to report that I am not taking any unauthorised medicine. My personal physician, Dr Grundfuss, has authorised it and I have a signed statement from him right here saying that he ordered me to take it. As to the bleach, that's a gut feeling, and since I started taking it, a gut feeling is what I have quite a lot of. Lots of people say it's a really sensible thing to do.
It is having no bad effects and I feel cleaner inside. I recommend it. [Sounds of corpulent body dropping to the ground and shouts of secret service people moving it into a free area. Security men and doctors surround the body. Electrodes are applied. But it is too late. Microphones are cut off.]

And that's all for today. I hope listeners felt that we once again got to the heart of the matter. Please stand by for today's episode of Toast on Toast, our weekday romantic saga.

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