Quarantine and how to deal with it
Friday 1 May 2020 – 10am
Thousands of readers have asked me how best to deal with the longeurs of quarantine. Below, I set out what I have found useful.
1) This is a priceless opportunity to get to know your family better. Throw yourself into family arguments with real vigour. For once, people cannot storm out, and have to face the righteousness of truths uttered with authority.
2) Make yourself available and improve those intimate personal relationships. No hiding in the shed. Challenge yourself to spend over five minutes with your spouse without a) looking at your mobile phone or b) deciding now is the time to fix that intermittently leaky valve on the cold water tank.
3) Change your life for the better. As a matter or urgency decide on which sex you want to be and lay plans for the operation(s) which you will have done as soon as all this is over. The great thing about living in our times is that you know that your wife will be overjoyed and totally supportive of your decision. Okay, you might be less delighted with her decision, but hey fair's fair, right?
4) Work off that excess energy. Dig a series of shallow graves.
5) Finally put into practice that long-delayed project of turning the loft into a pitch and putt course.
6) Paint everything in sight, including the grass which has always seemed to you a rather unsightly green.
7) Learn a new language. Start with English. It's so useful.
8) Get fit. Organise a training circuit of star jumps, burpees and knee lifts, press-ups, twists and stretches doing one set in each room of the house. Continue until all doors are barred to your entry and you can slip down to the shed for a quiet beer.
9) Make use of the cellar as you have always planned. Stripping out some copper piping from the loft, and making use of a big jam-making vessel, construct with care a small but serviceable distillery. Use the kids' bunsen burner from their chemistry set to get things going.
10) Dig for victory. Apparently vegetables grow in the ground. Who knew?
Thousands of readers have asked me how best to deal with the longeurs of quarantine. Below, I set out what I have found useful.
1) This is a priceless opportunity to get to know your family better. Throw yourself into family arguments with real vigour. For once, people cannot storm out, and have to face the righteousness of truths uttered with authority.
2) Make yourself available and improve those intimate personal relationships. No hiding in the shed. Challenge yourself to spend over five minutes with your spouse without a) looking at your mobile phone or b) deciding now is the time to fix that intermittently leaky valve on the cold water tank.
3) Change your life for the better. As a matter or urgency decide on which sex you want to be and lay plans for the operation(s) which you will have done as soon as all this is over. The great thing about living in our times is that you know that your wife will be overjoyed and totally supportive of your decision. Okay, you might be less delighted with her decision, but hey fair's fair, right?
4) Work off that excess energy. Dig a series of shallow graves.
5) Finally put into practice that long-delayed project of turning the loft into a pitch and putt course.
6) Paint everything in sight, including the grass which has always seemed to you a rather unsightly green.
7) Learn a new language. Start with English. It's so useful.
8) Get fit. Organise a training circuit of star jumps, burpees and knee lifts, press-ups, twists and stretches doing one set in each room of the house. Continue until all doors are barred to your entry and you can slip down to the shed for a quiet beer.
9) Make use of the cellar as you have always planned. Stripping out some copper piping from the loft, and making use of a big jam-making vessel, construct with care a small but serviceable distillery. Use the kids' bunsen burner from their chemistry set to get things going.
10) Dig for victory. Apparently vegetables grow in the ground. Who knew?
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